Broonzy…. well he was the kind of guy who’d take your family in after a Quake but probably not the type of individual who you would subpoena as a character witness on your behalf. You see he had that twitchy kind of eye thing (or so said Masky) and was nearly impossible to get a hold of unless there was a disaster (perhaps no coincidence Maingey often thought). It was after the Grizzly/Sasquatch War of 2023 that Brollik found themselves in Broonzy’s lair (although he could only be seen at “special times”). The furniture was mostly old pillows and shipping filler glued to rocks, but Masky did make a point of cooking breakfast for the boys every morning (unless there was an away game in Trujillo or somewhere). One morning O’Donnell woke from a dream yelling “Brollik! Mount up! We’ve lounged here too long! We need to buy back the gear we hocked in Reno! At dusk we’re going to rob the Santa Fe Line; Maingey go find us some ponies!”
Armed with his super-slingshot Maingey scanned the horizon. Nails had commandeered a scythe back in Broonzy’s tool shed and O’Donnell had several canisters of tear gas ready for ‘Operation Felony’. D. Rich needed no additional weapons for he had not pawned his power drum suit – and with the Vic Firth endorsement he’d just received he was ready to shoot his old Evans and Remo sticks at anything that moved in the Conductor’s car.
The sound was deafening. Nails moved up in half steps in every major key, O’Donnell moved down in diminished scales, a bass player (that no-one remembers) played whole tone scales at random, while D. Rich yodeled into the microphone, banging his array of bathtubs with rubber mallets. It was a recording from a midnight jam session back in 2006 blasting through speakers placed by the prison that knocked down its walls. Out sprang Brollik from their cells and they boarded a starship piloted by Suge Knight. “Rap is getting soft…..Psychedelic Rock is where the real bangers dwell” he said to the boys as they shrugged off this seeming lunacy and took turns chest bumping Robert Zimmerman.
As Suge stood menacingly in the foreground, Brollik entered from stage right. Nails decided to paint himself in neon Indigo for their gig in Greenland. There he was, clutching his keytar, feeling badly for the rarely mentioned color. O’Donnell appeared with a triple neck Gibson and proceeded to open the set by bowing all the necks simultaneously through a stack of Marshall’s injected with fuzz, big muff, tube screamer, univibe, rotovibe, phaser, flanger and wa-wa with a hint of delay. D. Rich joined in with a set of 51 variations of gongs and triangles and Maingey strapped on his tuba.
There was no stopping them, at least until they got filled with drink. They ended their set with a jazz tinged rendition of A-HA’s “Take On Me” and smashed their ‘Who’ records on the stage. Suge pealed off some cash for the boys (except Maingey) and they headed for Odin’s Luxury Inn. “I can dig this. Who gave Masky a key to the minibar? He’s cleaned it out again!” said Nails. Masky emerged from the bathroom with Vanessa Minnillo screaming “I own Lachey now!” Maingey stared at the TV and harmonized along with the humming frequency.
“I’ve got a new song idea” said D. Rich. “It’s got a D minor in it – so you know it’s good”. O’Donnell picked up his washboard and sang along in ancient Mayan. Halfway through the song Masky had a giggle fit. “Gents, now that Suge is in charge, and you’ve invented a new transport beam to move your gear without aid from me – I think it’s time I hit the road. Maybe I’ll make my way down to the Chitlin Circuit and hone my act; I’m a song and dance man as you know” said Masky. All that was left was a lone tear from Maingey’s eye.
“Hide the contracts!” Yelled Suge. “Don Orsillo and The Insane Clown Posse are coming for me! Orsillo’s precision perfect voice turns into a photon-death ray in Greenland and he and the ‘Posse’ will stop at nothing to sign the mighty Brollik!” “I’ll handle this” said D. Rich as he slunk into his drum suit. “I’ve battled dragons and warlocks; anybody who hangs with these clowns is no match for me.” Just then Orsillo broke his fall with his face. “Help us” screamed the ‘Posse’ as they hung from the rafters, trapped by O’Donnell’s fishing net and grappling hooks, wielded ever so masterfully by the so called “seafaring guitarist” although in reality is was a Spiderman toy from his childhood. “Crisis averted” exclaimed Nails as he finished his box of Franzia.
“This next tune is called Insane Clown Posse Meets Mr. Grappling Hook” said O’Donnell as Brollik launched into a demonic jam filled with haunting screams. The tour had taken them to Qatar. By day they bathed in the oasis and by night they foiled crime during Maingey’s brilliant yet extended bass solos. But after a few weeks in the sun Nails and D. Rich decided to retire from crime-fighting and switch to crime-making. O’Donnell could only be distracted by suggestions that he build a quadruple neck guitar with ejectable grappling hooks to ensnare the young women fans they were amassing. After a few false starts {note: several claims are currently in litigation and/or settlement negotiations and therefore cannot be printed here} O’Donnell decided that the hooks were a bad idea and instead decided to purchase AXE to make the ladies swoon. “Pheromones” muttered Maingey. “That’s how I’m going to get my girl. During the underwater sequence of our set I’m gonna get real close to her and ask if she digs crazy people.”
shannonmulready 